Dead Faint
by Daisaku
Summary: She cares for him, but the care is not returned. She is nothing but a mere caretaker, and there is nothing she can do for him. All he can do is mourn. [One-Shot]


A/N: If you wanna stretch it a bit, think of this as a short prelude to "Just Another Cold Night," though this can also be thought of as a stand-alone fic. XD   
  
Disclaimer: O_o FF7, Evanescence, 'n' the song, "my Immortal" do not belong to me... -daisaku  
  
---  
  
Every morning, I awaken to the same thing.  
  
I'm so tired of being here  
Suppressed by all my childish fears  
And if you have to leave  
I wish that you would just leave  
'Cause your presence still lingers here  
And it won't leave me alone  
  
A long time ago, I could've relatively hoped that one day, in the near future, I would wake up and he would be next to me. A fairy tale of a dream. But those days are gone. Those hopes have died. He loves another, and I don't think there is anyone else left for me.   
  
It has been perhaps a year and a half since she died; a year and a half in which I have felt cold, bitter, and alone. As does he, and I can see him in the bed across and never next to mine, whispering her name. A pang of emptiness strikes me, and yet somehow no bitter resentment towards the Cetra he feels for. For a long while, my goal has only been his peace of mind and contentment, even with Aeris there; I did not allow my own feelings get in the way. If he loved her more then he loved me, if ever, let this be.  
  
It was a sacrifice. I may be called a good, strong woman for what I have done for him, yet praise of my emotional strength does not fill the gap inside me.  
  
I cared more for his ways and feelings then I did for him knowing the truth. Perhaps in an age long past, he has loved me... I do not consider Aeris's presence an interference, merely another path Cloud had to choose from. And he lingers on that path, even though no light awaits him at the end.  
  
These wounds won't seem to heal  
This pain is just too real  
There's just too much that time cannot erase  
  
On some level, I feel responsible for his pain as a faithful servant does for a pained master. His sleep, his dreams, each are tortured, and his murmurs of her name and beckoning whispers haunt me as I sit up in bed, a candle set next to the stand and a book open on my lap. I stay here merely to ensure his safety and relative peace, even if my feelings are far different from his; it has been my goal, and I wish it to stay that way. As I have mentioned before, my hopes have died, yet my love and obligation has yet to fall to such a point to keep me from awakening and fixing breakfast for him. I hardly know if he appreciates him or not, but I have always myself been comforted by his presence in and out of battle.  
  
Does that mean I stay for my own peace, simply to be warmed by his just being there? Certainly not. I stay here because...because I care, I suppose.  
  
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears  
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears  
I held your hand through all of these years  
But you still have  
All of me  
  
I stand, basking in the warm glow that the City of the Ancients has to offer even at this longitude of the Planet; my arms rest uncomfortably at my sides, and I feel numb as Cloud gazes longingly at the area where her body sank. I fear that sometime he may even leap into the water, and worse yet, stay there. Is that how deep his feelings run? Would he really drown in her name, and would the Lifestream let him stay with her?  
  
He barely speaks a word to me, each day; perhaps a mumbled "thank you" for the meals I willingly make, and how I have allowed him his solitude by blocking her resting place from the monsters. Each day, I offer him a warm smile with the attitude of a mother. It is not returned.  
  
You used to captivate me  
By your resonating life  
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind  
Your face it haunts  
My once pleasant dreams  
Your voice it chased away  
All the sanity in me  
  
He slowly lowers his hand into the water, disturbing the once-flat surface of the lake; he seems to be thinking of something, a distant memory. His eyes flicker in amusement, and a ghost of a smile quickly appears only to return to darkness, as he remembers that she isn't there to share that memory with him. I am here. But it is probable that it is not my memory to share.  
  
I remember when Lord Zangan brought me in, teaching me the code of the warrior as well as fighting and giving me strength. I know I cause Cloud anguish, even indirectly. His words scold me.  
  
People are not ruled by their memories.  
  
But why? I demand. If people aren't ruled by their memories, why is Cloud here and not by my side? No. I shake my head, placing one hand close to my hairline and brushing aside my bangs; that was selfish. Perhaps he is not part of that "people," and his memories of a flower girl with emerald-green eyes and braided brown hair do dominate his everyday life. Does he not know of my feelings? I don't think he does, or he simply chooses to pretend that they aren't real, and I only care for him as a friend to a friend. But all I can do is fight off his own, personal demons as much as possible from the outside of his world.  
  
These wounds won't seem to heal  
This pain is just too real  
There's just too much that time cannot erase  
  
I recall that whenever Aeris called his name, her voice cherubic and uplifting, he would shoot his head up, with sparkling eyes and metaphorical open arms. I had once called his name in a similar manner, to see if I could evoke a similar reaction. But it dawns upon me that it is no use, and my heart had ached.  
  
My hand glides to my chest, and I fix my gaze on some air three feet ahead of me. My heart no longer aches when I remember this. It is simply still, the beats slow and unwilling as if deep inside I don't want to hold up my façade. They say life is but a dream, and if you look at it from a certain angle, death would be considered awakening from it. The only thing that has kept me alive is the occasional ring of the PHS, and my friends' voices, and I am grateful for them.  
  
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears  
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears  
I held your hand through all of these years  
But you still have  
All of me  
  
Cloud moves smoothly into a crouching position, and I glance up to take note; he lowers himself into the water, and I nearly reach out in alarm. The water has an unnerving depth, and I stipulate he is trying to reach her body, to at least touch her silky skin.  
  
I hesitantly walk over to the edge, gazing into the crystal-clear pond; his body is extended with one arm reaching out to her corpse. He can no longer hold his breath, and he emerges from the lake looking crushed and crestfallen. He cannot reach her. A pang of sorrow resonates through me, and my heart sinks into my stomach as I am once again reminded of the depths of his emotions.  
  
Before he notices my close presence, I stumble behind something and sink to the ground, hugging my knees to my chest. My eyes feel...heavy.  
  
The tears do not fall. Instead, they linger, clouding my vision with fuzzy colors, and with gloves hands I wipe them away. I never cry. I have never cried, ever since Sephiroth killed papa. Some people think that the lack of tearfall has added that red, melancholy sparkle to my eyes, and I used to accept that as a compliment. Now, it only prompts recieving a small smile and not much else. For some reason, I smile grimly, as if forcing myself to be cheerful. I have no need to be sad. I have reasons to be sad, but I do not need it now.   
  
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone  
But though you're still with me  
I've been alone all along  
  
I cannot reach Cloud. Cloud cannot reach Aeris. All that waits ahead of me is pain and suffering...with Cloud. Does that make it better? Does that lessen the pain, the aching, the hurt? My best choice is to leave, but will I really? I am not causing him anguish. It is the other way around.  
  
My throat is stiff, as I have not talked much at all to him recently. Words are meaningless between us. Nothing will be accomplished. I can only sing to myself quietly, keeping my thoughts locked in my heart. No matter how close he is physically, we are always apart. I gaze at my reflection in the pond, and my gaze has lost its longing and yearning it once held when I had briskly followed him to this God-forsaken city. It has died, just like my hopes.  
  
I wonder if I can deal with being alone.  
  
"Aeris." I hear him murmur in a cryptic tone, disclosing little emotion and yet, if you were around him for long enough, you'd recognize a tone ridden with depression--a tone all too familiar to me. "I'm sorry... Aeris..." He had told us once to find what we were fighting for. He stayed with me, as I had nowhere to go. Who was I fighting for? I was only following Cloud...I wanted to see to it that he would make it...  
  
And now, here I stand, watching him exhibit his care for another, and for some reason another pang of sadness rings throughout me. Pity for him, as he has a similar disposition to mine: love unrequited.   
  
It is cold, and empty, and bitter. I am alone, but he is more so. His wound is sealed, but the scar remains.  
  
And now, here I stand. My wound is not sealed, and so long as I stay here, it will never heal. I was so convinced that I would be happy with him... But I am the cause of his anguish. I now understand that if I was not there, he wouldn't've felt the need to impress me, all those years ago. And none of this--none of this at all would've happened. None of us in AVALANCHE would be in pain, and these battle scars would never have appeared on my arms and legs.  
  
I wonder if all would be better if I simply ended it long ago, when mama died...  
  
I open tightly closed eyes, and I feel the sharp edges, which are damp with unshed tears, as the PHS begins to ring in my pocket. I walk away from where Cloud has looked up, back to the small hut, and I answer it.  
  
"Hello? Hi, Barret...yeah...yeah, I'm fine."  
  
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears  
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears  
I held your hand through all of these years  
But you still have  
All of me 


End file.
